The Macho Manic
The Winds of Winter - Bronn

(This is my take on what would happen if the show began to seep in with how GRRM decided to write his books. Written for parody purposes.)

As Bronn awoke, he noticed there were 4 women in bed with him. None of which were his wife, Lollys.
"Typical me." He thought, as he slicked back his hair and rolled up a cigarette. He had invented cigarettes earlier in the week, and had been smoking them in front of everyone. "Everyone in King’s Landing thinks I am pretty cool! Probably because I am!"

Bronn got dressed and put on a black leather coat with a zipper (which he also invented earlier that week) with his sigil, the chains covered in green wildfyre embroidered on the back. He then put on some blue jeans and black boots with straps on them. He admired his new look in the mirror.
"I should invent motorcycles." He said out loud. One of the very attractive women rose up from the bed, completely nude with her long, red hair barely covering her breasts.
"What would a motorcycle be, M’lord?" she asked, as she yawned.
"Something totally wicked." Bronn replied, as he went over and smacked her on the ass. "You’ve all got to leave, my wife is coming home and I won’t hear the end of it if she finds a bunch of gorgeous women in my bed again! Go on, off with you!"

Bronn hurried all the women out and gave them a few gold coins each.
"It’s good to be me!" He thought. "I wonder what my old pal Tyrion Lannister is up to? Probably dead or something. Ah well, who cares? He cramped my style anyways."
Bronn practiced some karate moves and played with his samurai sword for a couple hours and then decided to go for a walk. Perhaps he would visit with the King, or the Queen Regent, Cersei Lannister. He always had a thing for her, despite her aggressive attitude.

Awaiting her trial by combat, Cersei was locked up in a prison cell, to which Bronn, in all his glory, probably had no access to. He would have to ask the King himself before he could get permission to visit Cersei.

As Bronn approached the Red Keep, the guards and towns people all bowed to him and said how much of a pleasure it was to see him. The towns people, much like everyone who watches the show, thought Bronn was awesome, and he could do no wrong. Even when he did wrong, everyone just thought it was grand.

"Your highness, Ser Bronn of the Blackwater is here to see you." Said Ser Robert Strong. "Nice leather jacket by the way, Ser Bronn." He added.
"Thanks, I had one of the many women I bang on a daily basis make it for me. I’m awesome."
"You sure are!" said Robert Strong. "By the way, I’m only telling you this because you’re so bad ass, but I am actually The Mountain, Greggor Clegane."
"I knew that." Bronn said, winking confidently. He then made his way to the King’s chambers with a boastful strut.

"WOW UNCLE BRONN!" Shouted Tommen Baratheon. "Wanna play with me and my cats?"
"No way, cats are stupid and only pussies like them. Real men have pet snakes!" Bronn proclaimed, as he pulled a snake out from his Nike backpack.
"WOW COOL! Is this for me?" he asked. Bronn nodded and handed the snake over.
"His name is Leroy, and he likes to eat cats, mice and babies. You take good care of him, now, won’t you?" Bronn asked, as he rubbed the King’s hair.
"WOW I sure will, Uncle Bronn! Anything you need, you got it." Tommen said, and Leroy slowly slithered around, wrapping his body around Ser Pounce. "Look, they’re playing!"
"Hey Tommy Boy, I need to visit your mom in her prison cell and I need your permission. This is…uh, important stuff and it could help save her from dying. What do you say?"
Tommen of course gave his permission to Bronn, and off he went.
"The day has finally come, where I will make Cersei come! Bwahaha!"

TO BE CONTINUED

Thanks a lot Emma Stone, now I cannot stop thinking about this song!

buzzfeed:

Every Pixar movie summarized in terrible Microsoft Paint drawings.

Awww shit what was this in? Hangover 3?

Woody ain’t happy!

Woody ain’t happy!

Hope this person doesn’t mind, but I’m getting the same tattoo with purple and green questions marks in place of the Ha’s lol.

Hope this person doesn’t mind, but I’m getting the same tattoo with purple and green questions marks in place of the Ha’s lol.

tinycartridge:

Pokémon: The Origin

So we’ve reached the point when people can now remake the OG Pokémon anime series, featuring the original 151, Professor Oak, and Brock. I guess this TV special will dump that loser Ash? You don’t see much of Pikachu’s mark ass here either.

The anime special will premier in Japan this October.

PREORDER Pokemon X and Y, upcoming releases
On the Next Breaking Bad…

Future Walt puts on a pink hoodie over a purple blouse, and plays piano while talking about Star Trek!

OH THE CONSPIRACIES!

Kyle

(Let me apologize beforehand about the length of this post. This is the last time I am ever going out of my way to talk to you or about you, and I’m just gonna go ahead and get every last thing off my chest. I assure you, it’s a good read!)

Well. you’ve finally did it! You made me feel bad. Feel accomplished, because this is something almost no one can do to me. Ever. But just HOW did you do it? If you think it’s because you wrote “mean” things about me in a note and broke things that belonged to me, no. Such childish actions haven’t bothered since I was…well ever really.

It’s because this whole time I’ve been calling you out for all the stupid things you did…I had no idea that you were truly, honest to god stupid. Like, legit. How am I supposed to feel good about myself for talking shit to and exposing a stupid person, even if they are a paranoid, desperate, abusive, controlling pedophile? Stupid people don’t learn, so what exactly do I have to gain by focusing any more time on you after this?

I was under the impression you were actually pretty clever. Evil and selfish, but clever. And I was under the impression that whenever you did do stupid things you were just trying to play dumb to hide your true intentions. Apparently I gave you too much credit as a worthy adversary, and now I just feel bad. Like I walked into a class full of mentally challenged kids and laughed in their faces bad. So thanks for that.

After reading your girly little note and the petty insults (you forgot to mention how I’m balding and I have a fake tooth) I was bit disappointed. And the fact you resorted to property damage because we made a comic mocking how pathetic you are instead of doing something equally as impressive and creative? And saying you actually considered slashing my tires wasn’t a smart move cause now if anything DOES happen, we have proof of your ill will! What were you thinking?

You mocked me for living with my grand parents when you live with your parents? What? I work at a store part time, and I don’t have health insurance, so I’m a loser compared to you? And you have a LOVING GIRLFRIEND (that part made me laugh). And you have a bunch of friends too? Why haven’t any of them ever stood up for you? How can a guy like you have friends? You probably have to do to them what you tried doing with Lance and SB. Lie, be a yes man, and hide your true personality from them. If that’s the case, I legit feel bad for you.

Not to mention, a long time ago I pissed my brother off so much doing the same stuff to him I did to you (calling him out on being a shitty person) he went out of his way to write and record a song about how much I sucked! It was adorable, unlike your note, which was just sad.

Let me ask you this - Do you even know how we got to this point? Why we despise each other so much? We’ve never met, and only talked to each other…once? Do the things I say and do bother you that much? Are you that afraid of me doing something to your precious, perfect relationship?

Due to past experiences witnessing abusive relationships and being powerless to do nothing about them as a child, I have made it my goal in life to end as many of them as possible and make the abuser regret being alive.

You may be too blind and, well, stupid to realize this but you are one of those people. A bad person. It’s really the only reason I don’t feel completely terrible fucking with you. You look at your girlfriend’s facebook when she’s in the other room, harass her on the phone when she isn’t with you, and you began dating her when she was FOURTEEN (hench why I keep calling you a pedophile) and you were NINETEEN. That’s disgusting.

In my opinion, I thought you were some guy who was cheated on by a girl in the past and thought to himself (probably while on drugs) “Hey! I should date a girl who’s really young so I can influence her and make her think it’s NORMAL for me to invade her privacy and that controlling everything she does and who she hangs out with is completely acceptable! I’m funny and cool AND smart!” But now I just think you dated a fourteen year old because you were dumb and didn’t think realize that’s a shitty thing to do.

Before the comics, you either didn’t like me because you thought I was telling everyone not to invite you so I could steal Susan from you, or simply because I’m a male and I was around her without your watchful eye there to protect her from the evils within me! You were even weary of her being around LANCE even though he’s dating SB and she was around? Come on dude, really? You’re that paranoid? I hang out alone all the time with SB. Does Lance worry? Should he worry? No. Because I’m a good guy, mouthy and opinionated, but overall good.

Unlike some people I have the ability to befriend males, females, any race and any orientation. That shit doesn’t matter to me. The reason you weren’t invited was because Susan didn’t want you around HER friends. She never even brought you up! SB was the only one insisting you come around because of how much you harassed her over it. All I did was say “If Susan doesn’t want him to hang out with us, then you shouldn’t go behind her back and invite him. She probably hangs out with us to get away from him.”

SB was the only one trying to include you into the group, and yet you felt the need to make up some stupid shitty story about her sending nude pics to a former co worker in a pathetic attempt to justify you pointless rage. If you want to blame anyone for how all of this turned out, blame your spineless girlfriend. She is the one who just sat back and let all of this get out of control because she “hates drama”. Well if she truly hates drama, what is it she see’s in you? Maybe she just turns a blind eye to your idiocies due to being around it so often,

As I stated at the beginning, this is the last time I plan on talking to you. I won’t cease making comics because they’re technically NOT you, so you’ll just have to ignore them. Hell, even if I did stop making Pat comics I don’t think the people who visit the site would be all that sad. They actually like the Miles character a lot more, and think Pat is a creep. You said I was pathetic and wasting my time making them, but if they make my friends and family laugh, and you angry, I’d say that was definitely worth the effort at the time.

So so long Kyle. It was fun, I guess. Take “good care” of your girlfriend and try not to become physically abusive towards her in the future (though I wouldn’t put it past you) and stay off drugs! I know you love them but they’re bad for you! Perhaps they played a part in the brain damage you’ve sustained?

Do not talk to SB or I, and DO NOT attempt to do anything to our cars or things. If you’re going to resort to being a vandal, then you’re just taking the fun out of our rivalry and making things a bigger deal than they need to be. If you DO decide you are unable to live without exacting the revenge you claim to be above, and you want to spit in my face or some other dumb shit…the kid gloves come off. It’s best you move on and be done with us, because you will never win.

Your friend,

Raab!

newfagscanttriforce:

^o^